Greg Chantorian became a tourist of New York City instantly when he bought a Hawaiian shirt, a camera, and piece of Chew Brother's formaldehyde/Naugahyde-flavored gum. Chew Brothers are not afraid of naming their flavors after the real ingredients. Wrigley denies that any of their gum is made from a combination of formaldehyde and Naugahyde, but all big Chicago companies are famous for denial.
Once Greg had this special gum coagulating in his mouth, it over took his perception of New York. It became a stimulating city, the Empire State Building got pointier and the World Trade Center* budded a third tower slightly taller than the second. The Statue of Liberty switched hands with the torch and document. Chew Brother's formaldehyde/Naugahyde gum in not a hallucinogenic food product. It is a special agent that interacts with physical reality instead of the perceptual reality. Chew Brothers know how to make a very convincing gum.
Greg found this out as New York entertained him more than any other tourist. Other tourists became jealous and hid behind huge billboards only to find waiters of five-star restaurants gathered together in their nudity. "Preservatives?" asked Ewan VanHuewy, a waiter with a nasty birthmark. His question could be interpreted in so many ways. What it really meant was, "It's time to take the elevator to waiter class."
A grain elevator coming down the train tracks nearby delivered an entire course with such precision that it became dangerous. An explosion instantly occurred and then canceled the final result of the explosion, which is a mass number of casualties. Nobody died and that's what fascinated Greg. His jealous tourists remained in life.
"Bravo!" said Greg before he swallowed the gum. DO NOT SWALLOW GUM! It may entertaining to chew but, once swallowed, gum has unexpected results. Mr. Chantorian developed a delusion, a rare delusion, a delusion that is contagious, a delusion involving weightlessness. Greg thought he was floating. As the Big Apple watched Greg pretending to float (although he thought he really was), other New Yorkers got the feeling of floating. They mentally became bubbles helpless in the wind and traffic.
Everyone saw the city of New York get smaller and smaller as they floated towards the stratosphere. This never actually happened, but in the minds of New Yorkers that day it did. Delusions of weightlessness unified the seeds of the Big Apple and a real perception of togetherness fought off the delusion. When hugs began, they noticed that their feet never left the ground. That feeling led to the feeling of being lied to. By the time everyone needed someone to blame, Greg Chantorian was on the expressway to Philadelphia.
Birds hummed escalator tunes, a new kind of muzak. Most birds can whistle elevator tunes, but escalator tunes need to be hummed. For instance, "Majorie's Halfway Shuffle" is hummed with a velvet banana. The bird sits on the banana and hums, not because the fruit is made of a synthetic fiber, but because an escalator tune is reverberating around the auditory realms of the aviary. Yes, the bird hums.
The best compact disc to get, as great escalator music is concerned, is BLAIR'S ELECTRIC STAIRS. "Majorie's Halfway Shuffle" is among the tracks on the disc. The best humming bird to get not a hummingbird but the fissilingual lingbird, the meadow pipit with the forked tongue. The combination of BLAIR'S and the lingbird will create the keenest fete champetre this side of the Bosporus Strait.
Six months later, on the crayon of the cask, lay down Mister. His mustache made from the finest paper bags and his eyes polished like ivory bubbles. A sleeping face like that can beam anyone to the groves. In the many awaken states he experiences, Mister's favorite is the event of the grassation. His wandering intimidates people, and it should. Mister's grassation only carries discontentment and glass satchels though today Mister lies on the crayon of the cask like an impenetrable balloon. Flags of nylon and pylons of rag try to out-shadow the shadow of the resting Mister, but it's of no use. When Mister awakes, he intends to join the nabobs in their hobnobbing.
*This was originally written in 1996 by Dirk Babbage. A 10-year anniversary if you will.
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