Let's Buy Some Poultry

Phynn: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the poultry store!
?: There’s only me, sir.
Phynn: Excuse me, but I’m a bit shortsighted.
?: So this is a poultry store?
Phynn: Yes, it is the poultry store—the only one this side of the Ohio River. And how can I help you today?
?: I’ve never been to a poultry store before.
Phynn: Well, welcome then.
?: You already welcomed me, but thanks anyway.
Phynn: Today’s special is a couple of live chickens.
?: What do I do with them?
Phynn: That’s the joy of being a customer at my poultry store. You have an unlimited choice of what to do with the merchandise once it is purchased. This is not a gun shop or a car wash where you are limited in choice. We call it the Customer’s Freedom of Choice.
?: What do most people do with a couple of live chickens?
Phynn: I don’t know yet, but I’m putting together a questionnaire for all poultry shoppers to help abecedarians like you.
?: Excuse me, what’s like me?
Phynn: Abecedarians, you know, tenderfoots or tyros.
?: Don’t you mean tenderfeet?
Phynn: Let’s not argue about semantics, I’m only a humble poultry man. (pause) We’ve gone far in conversation without any movement towards a purchase. It would help if we introduced each other—
?: If you really think so. My name is ?.
Phynn: Come again? How do you pronounce that?
?: It’s like the zoo in spring.
Phynn: That’s pretty noisy.
?: You bet your bottom dollar. Now what’s your name?
Phynn: Please call me Phynn. That’s my name and that’s what all my friends call me too.
?: Fin as in fish fin?
Phynn: No, Phynn with a “ph” as in phosphorescence. Then it’s “ynn” like Lynn.
?: Is it short for something like Phineas?
Phynn: I’m afraid not. Phynn is my name in its entirety.
?: Don’t you have a family name?
Phynn: No, my family didn’t think I deserved it.
?: I’m sorry to hear that.
Phynn: Are you really sorry to hear that or are you just being polite? How would you like to live without a family name?
?: Actually I do.
Phynn: Oh really? You’re the one with an even stranger name. Now, how about some poultry?
?: You said a couple of live chickens were on sale today.
Phynn: That is correct, sir. You really have a great memory.
?: It was only a few minutes ago.
Phynn: Come on, don’t be so modest.
?: Shut up, don’t be so polite.
Phynn: I’m just being courteous like all good shopkeepers should.
?: What else do you have besides live chickens?
Phynn: We have some frozen ducks imported from Cincinnati.
?: Cincinnati?
Phynn: Oh, heavens to Betsy. I meant Singapore.
?: I didn’t know Singapore was famous for ducks.
Phynn: Either did I, but they offer the finest selection of frozen ducks.
?: How are they frozen?
Phynn: What do you mean?
?: I mean are they put in a deep-freeze or are they covered in ice or are they cryogenically frozen?
Phynn: I haven’t really gone into that much research.
?: If you knew, perhaps you could enhance the quality of the ducks.
Phynn: Perchance.
?: What else do you got?
Phynn: I’ve got turkeys with their heads chopped off.
?: Living?
Phynn: Of course not! Don’t be inane.
?: How many people buy turkeys in the off-season?
Phynn: When is the on-season?
?: Thanksgiving and Christmas. Didn’t you know that?
Phynn: That would explain the rise in prices. I guess I should stock more turkeys when the time comes. When is Thanksgiblets?
?: Thanksgiving is the last Thursday in November.
Phynn: That’s an odd place to put a holiday. Why a Thursday?
?: Probably for phonetic reasons: Thanksgiving Thursday.
Phynn: Brilliant! But why November?
?: Don’t you know the history of Thanksgiving?
Phynn: I didn’t know it was necessary for a poultry man.
?: If you handle turkeys, you should definitely know.
Phynn: You may think me a hopeless poultry man, but I’m not. I know how much the average game hen should weigh. I know what a partridge looks like when stripped of its plumage. I know the difference between a pheasant and a grouse.
?: I don’t doubt you, kind Phynn. Do you have any quail?
Phynn: Quail? Yes, er…we have many kinds of quail. What kind of quail would you like?
?: I didn’t know there were different kinds of quail.
Phynn: Yes, there’s the bobwhite quail of North America.
?: The bobwhite?
Phynn: Have you ever savored the bobwhite quail?
?: I don’t think I have. I’ll have one.
Phynn: Are you sure you just want one? We have a sale on a covey of quail.
?: How many quails are in a covey?
Phynn: Oh, anywhere from five to fifteen.
?: And the price is the same no matter the size of the covey?
Phynn: You have my word, honest to goodness.
?: I’ll have your largest covey of quail then.
Phynn: Very well. (goes to the back room) (another customer enters)
Debit: Good afternoon.
?: You really think so? I don’t like the fog.
Debit: It’s not foggy today.
?: Well, it was just a while ago. What’s the weather now, good sir?
Debit: Warmish.
?: Thanks, but how does the sky look? Is it filled with serene clarity?
Debit: Are you a poet?
?: No, just a curious man with an interest in the visibility of the day’s atmosphere.
Debit: It’s quite pleasant.
?: Quite? I don’t know if I can trust you.
Debit: Why not?
?: You’re a man of little words. I’ve made it a policy of mine not to trust men of little words. You know, little words please gullible minds.
Debit: I’m insulted.
?: And you should be, my devious fellow. (Phynn comes back out with a crate)
Phynn: Our largest covey contains sixteen quails. I seem to have underestimated the number of quail. Please do not think less of me.
?: Your reputation is safe with me, fit Phynn.
(Phynn turns attention to Debit)
Phynn: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the poultry store.
Debit: There’s only me and this stranger, sir.
?: I beg your pardon! I, a stranger? Have we not exchanged kind words?
Debit: Words, yes. Kind, I think not.
Phynn: I’m sorry. Have you been insulted in my shop?
Debit: I’m afraid so.
Phynn: I sincerely apologize for my patron’s harshness.
?: I was not harsh, wholesome Phynn. This man who stands here beside me has plans of deviation.
Debit: Untrue.
Phynn: Please settle this matter outside of my store. How can I help you, good fiend—friend?
Debit: What is today’s special?
?: A couple of—
Phynn: Please ?, let me. A couple of live chickens are on sale today for the low, low price of $5.99.
Debit: That is a bargain. I’ll take them.
Phynn: Good. Please allow me to finish the transaction with ?.
Debit: ?? That’s his name? Ha-ha!
?: Do not mock me. Phynn, please hasten the transaction. My comfort is at a critical level with this ignoble creature.
Phynn: Your covey of quails comes to the cost of $14.59.
Debit: What did you—
?: Shh! Are you telling me that I’m paying about ninety-three cents for each quail?
Phynn: A wizard of a mathematician you are. Yes, good patron. Is that too much?
?: The contrary. Can you ensure me that the quality of these sixteen quails is high?
Phynn: Again you have my word.
?: You truly are a man of good value.
Phynn: Your eyes have now opened. You have seen the true poultry man that I am.
?: Yes, indeed I have.
Debit: Stop it with this sugar coated politeness. Is this a tennis match of compliments?
?: Incredible! You have said quite a mouthful, sir. I take back what I said about you earlier. Please forgive my hasty convictions.
Debit: You forgive quickly.
?: It is due to my keen perception.
Debit: Your perception erred at first.
?: Wrong. You had only displayed short utterances.
Debit: I see your point.
?: And what a good point it is!
Phynn: Sorry to interrupt, but we are in the middle of a major transaction.
Debit: Fifteen dollars is a major transaction?
Phynn: When my largest covey of quails is being sold, I consider it a major transaction.
Debit: So be it.
?: “So be it.” What a pointless phrase…Mister…I’m sorry. I don’t think we’ve introduced each other, but you already know my name as you have mocked it when I had the supposition of you.
Debit: My name is Debit.
Phynn: It seems we all have curious names here this afternoon.
?: Yes, indeed. (He pulls out his wallet and fishes out a $20 bill) Can you break a twenty?
Phynn: Without let or hindrance by the flick of a switch.
Debit: Listen to those idioms.
?: I know!
Phynn: Here is your exact change, ?. Please look it over in case I have miscounted.
?: It’s OK. I trust your mathematical ability.
Phynn: Counting is not a matter of mathematics. Counting is just counting.
Debit: I think he’s right.
?: That’s because he is right. Nonetheless your esteemed reputation is secure with me.
Debit: And with me.
Phynn: Ah! But you haven’t dealt with me directly. You have only watched a transaction from the place where you are standing now.
Debit: True, true.
?: I believe that is all I needed for today, I will now depart and see where my feet lead me next. I’m sure these quails will be splendid.
Phynn: Thank you again, considerate consumer. I look forward to your next patronage.
?: And nice meeting you too, Debt.
Debit: That’s Debit as in a recorded debt or expense.
?: Yes. Farewell, gentlemen. (? Leaves)
Phynn: There goes a fine lad. Now were you interested in today’s special.
Debit: Actually I wasn’t. What peaks my interest was your selection of game hens.
Phynn: It’s quite a selection, isn’t it? I think it is the widest in town. Which game hens particularly interest you at this time?
Debit: I’m not really sure now that you mention it.
Phynn: We have Cornish game hens, Flemish game hens, and Danish game hens.
Debit: Danish game hens? Are they pastries?
Phynn: Ah! A sublime wit!
Debit: What’s the difference between Cornish and Flemish game hens? I’ve never been educated about that.
Phynn: Really? Every day’s a new learning experience, isn’t it? Let me teach you, good Debit.
Debit: I would be ever so grateful.
Phynn: Cornish game hens come from Cornwall of southwestern England.
Debit: Cornwall? Do you mean to tell me these game hens are imported?
Phynn: I think these game hens were prepared in the fashion of Cornwall. I doubt they were imported from England. Anyway, Flemish game hens hail from Flanders in Belgium.
Debit: Flanders, Belgium! That sounds classy. I’ll take a few of your Flemish game hens.
Phynn: Unfortunately they are the highest priced game hens.
Debit: Ach quatch!
Phynn: Watch your language.
Debit: I did and it was German.
Phynn: We only accept English at this establishment.
Debit: We? There is only one of you.
Phynn: Quite right. Your observation is most accurate. Would you like a reward?
Debit: Don’t be facetious.
Phynn: I don’t like that word. Now how about those game hens?
Debit: Yeah. How much are those Flemish hens?
Phynn: They go for about $5 per gram.
Debit: Per gram? Why are you weighing hens with grams?
Phynn: It’s required by Flemish law.
Debit: But this is America. You don’t have to follow Flemish law.
Phynn: This is America where I can follow any law I choose.
Debit: As long as it is in accordance with the Constitution.
Phynn: My, my. You are quite educated in civics. I’m forever grateful for receiving such intelligent customers such as yourself.
Debit: How many grams does your average Flemish game hen weigh?
Phynn: I don’t know. I’ll have to call in for that.
Debit: Call in? Call in to whom?
Phynn: Whom? I shall call in to poultry headquarters down in Washington.
Debit: Do you mean to tell me there are poultry headquarters in Washington, DC?
Phynn: I didn’t say that. They’re in Washington, Georgia.
Debit: Oh, well then, make the call.
Phynn: I was about to. (Dials) Hello. This is Phynn from The Poultry Store. No, it’s the one on the other side of Ohio River. Yes, that’s me. I was calling to get some information concerning game hens. Flemish ones. Yes, they are quite expensive. (He looks at Debit with “I told you so.”) A highly intelligent customer of mine would like to know the average weight of Flemish hens in grams please. Oh, he’s well educated in the field of civics. Yes, he’s an excellent American citizen. Debit’s his name. Quite peculiar, isn’t it?
Debit: Hey now! Don’t go chatting on about me. That’s not very professional business.
Phynn: Shh! I’m on the phone. Please be patient and urbane. (Back to the phone) I’m sorry that was Debit. He doesn’t want me talking about him, that’s all. He’s a bit average-looking if you ask me.
Debit: What’s going on?
Phynn: Are you single?
Debit: That is none of your business. Just tell me about the game hens or I walk out of here.
Phynn: Well, it’s just that the lady from headquarters is interested in you.
Debit: Really? But she doesn’t even know me.
Phynn: She knows you are highly intelligent and average-looking.
Debit: Is average-looking good enough for her?
Phynn: Well, she is a bit on the heavy side.
Debit: How much is a bit?
Phynn: I don’t know. Say about 170 to 180 pounds, not that heavy.
Debit: Is she a tall woman?
Phynn: She’s a few inches shorter than you, Mr. Debit.
Debit: Tell her I’m not interested in her, but I am interested in the average weight of a Flemish game hen.
Phynn: I don’t think she’ll take kindly to that, sir.
Debit: Go on.
Phynn: (back on the phone) Yes, hello? Hello? (hangs up) She must have heard us talking.
Debit: Call her back.
Phynn: I can’t do that. (a caped customer walks in) Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the poultry store.
Rotness: You need not welcome me to your poulty store, and may I point out that—
Debit: There’s only you and me in the store. He knows.
Rotness: One thing I do not tolerate is an interruption, especially when it is I who is being interrupted.
Phynn: I apologize for past and future hindrances to your reputation, my patron.
Rotness: Don’t call me your patron when I haven’t purchased anything yet. And I don’t plan to do so either.
Phynn: May I inquire the nature of your visit then?
Rotness: You reserve the right to mind your own business.
Debit (whispers to Phynn): He’s a bit hoity-toity, isn’t he?
Rotness: Fellow visitor, please make no snap judgments about me for I haven’t done so for you. Thank God in heaven for that for I would have damned you so.
Debit: You do not have the ability to damn anyone.
Rotness: Would you like to try me?
Phynn: Humble Debit, please back down from the man’s threats. I wish neither of you harm.
Debit: Could we continue with return call to headquarters before I purchase your Flemish game hens?
Rotness: Did I hear you say Flemish game hens? Are you intending to eat them?
Debit: You reserve the right to mind your own business.
Rotness: That’s plagerism. I have a copyright on my words wherever I go.
Phynn: It is possible that I could make an educated guess about the average weight of a Flemish game hen.
Debit: Please do it, sir.
Phynn: It will take an estimate of 24 hours to successfully guess the weight. Could you come back tomorrow?
Debit: The thought of Flemish game hen on my palate has been palpitating in my head since I heard about their succulence.
Phynn: I understand completely. How about you pay $20 dollars now for them, and you can pay the difference tomorrow? And if the total cost is under $20, I will refund you the difference.
Debit (pulling out a $20 bill): Consider it a deal.
Rotness: Man and woman must not dine on poultry!
Debit: Practice your tragedies elsewhere, Shakespeare.
Phynn: Shh! He’s a potential customer. (Hands over the game hens)
Rotness: I refuse to be tagged as a customer, consumer, patron, or what have you.
Debit: I will now bow out of this performance. Thank you for the wonderful game hens.
Phynn: Thank you too, wise Debit. I look forward to your presence tomorrow.
Debit: Adieu.
Rotness: Was that fool speaking French?
Phynn: Only to bid farewell. (pause) How do you acquire goods and services, sir, without exchanging them for monetary units?
Rotness: I would like to hear your theory on how I acquire goods and services.
Phynn: Please do not hate me for what I am about to say.
Rotness: I cannot make such a promise, I’m sorry. Go on and tell me.
Phynn: I presume you are a shoplifter.
Rotness: Ha! I am no petty thief!
Phynn: Can you excuse my false assumption?
Rotness: Ah…no! Do you not know who I am?
Phynn: A whimsical man of half-nature, one of diabolical background I suppose.
Rotness: Would my name be Satan to you?
Phynn: I refuse to answer that question.
Rotness: You already have, and you are wrong for I am not Satan or Wormwood or Lucifer, the Morning Star.
Phynn: Then you are some cunning apparition of deceit.
Rotness: I am no ghost! My name is Rotness.
Phynn: Oh, I should have guessed.
Rotness: You did guess and the guess was quite off.
Phynn: And how shall I entertain your presence, Mr. Rotness?
Rotness: Do not address me as Mister. Do I look like a mister to you?
Phynn: I didn’t know misters had a look about them.
Rotness: Oh, they do indeed, and my look is the furthest from theirs.
Phynn: You don’t say.
Rotness: I just did, but I will say nothing more of the fact.
Phynn: May I inquire again how I shall entertain your presence?
Rotness: I require no entertainment from you at all. I would just like to take one last look at this store before…(sighs)
Phynn: Before what?
(Rotness looks into the air passionately and reaches out his hand to thin air.)
Phynn: Your presence has instilled fear into my heart ever since you and your cape entered.
Rotness: I have a tendency to do things of that nature, but I have no apologies to give. I admire the air I exude.
Phynn: Don’t you mean “exhale?”
Rotness: Quiet! Let my last glimpses of this store be in peace.
(Phynn looks awfully concerned. Rotness now outstretches both of his hands.)
THE END